So, without going into grim details, my heart has been shattered... again. (this time it had nothing to do with death.) Long story short, God had answered my diligent prayers and my family was presented an opportunity of a lifetime, my entire family. I can't disclose the details, but know that it was truly a life changing experience on the scale of winning the lottery (yeah, that is how big this is). For reasons beyond my control, I had to painfully pass on the offer.
This occurred on Tuesday.
Wednesday, I could barely function. I cried deep inside. I cried aloud hard. I was hurt and angry and mournful. And the physical pain that comes with heartache can be unbearable.
Let me preface by saying, I literally was praying for this answer, nearly every day since my father passed, and nearly double once my uncle recently passed. I knew that this opportunity was God's answer to me. I knew it. I was angry and confused. Why would God send me an answer and not allow me to receive it? Was this a joke? Was I being punk'd by God? Or my jokester uncle, now in Heaven? Did they even have those rights? Is this a test? What's the bigger picture? Where is the lesson? (I am so serious, these were actual question in my brain).
While bawling on the phone to my Mom, she reminded me of the books she gave me for Christmas. Specifically the daily devotional
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. She began comforting me with Scripture and prayer and told me to read the devotionals. To be completely honest, I was so angry I didn't want anything to do with it. (Sorry Mom). I decided to take a nap (since I had a stress headache the size of Texas and my tummy was tighter than a sailor's wet nautical knot). When I woke up it was dark, and I was alone. I decided to pick up the book.
As I read through the Introduction and caught up on the dailys I began to feel... not as angry. But still, the questioned lingered, and the pain would not subside. To make matters worse, it was my Dad's birthday. He would have been 69.
I prayed, I journaled, I cried some more, I sat (yes, just... sat). When it was bedtime of course I wasn't tired. I tried watching tv and what I call little 'reality stingers' kept pestering me until I was angry and crying again. I just wanted to go to sleep and end this day. Eventually that happened.
When I woke up this morning, I was tired, disoriented, still angry, still sick. I decided to pick up my devotional. I read it SIX times. I knew what it was saying, but I wanted it to seep in my pores, I wanted to breathe it and know it and love it.
Psalm 34:18 ... The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The devotional goes on to say "It is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on Me."
Is this the answer? The bigger picture? I'm discussing that with God. But I can tell you that I am one of those 'everything happens for a reason' type of people, and this great heartbreak happened and has in turn make me seek God even more. Yes, I am still angry, and yes I am still in pain. I don't see those things going away anytime soon. This situation has changed my look on things in my life. Things that were once stable and solid ground don't look that way anymore. Changes can happen in the swift blink of an eye. I suppose time will tell.
Lastly, I wanted to thank those who have supported me. Those who sent me messages of love, I greatly appreciate it. I have been through rougher times and have survived those. With the love and support of my friends and family, and above all, God I will get through this heartbreak too.
