(cyber) mondy ramblings...

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1.  when i look for random pics (like the one above) i look up by one word, then go to page 21. always. lol

2.  i did NOT participate in any black friday or cyber monday shopping. boo. 

3.  i had my first winter sbucks on Sat morning, thanks to the hubs (Peppermint Mocha)

4.  i'm a winner-winner-chicken-dinner over at the fancy biscuit

5.  got all (ok, almost all) my Christmas decorations up. still need to put up my tree in my bedroom (yes, I am that spoiled) and this year i do believe i get to buy another (fake) tree for the formal living/dining room (with no furniture). the real tree goes up next week in the family room.

6.  turkey day was good. much better than i imagined it to be (aside from the timing of the food. lol) but we all got through it... without curling up in fetal positions and bawling. (i'll post pics on that soon).

7.  i really Really REALLY want a laptop, like super-di-duper badly. (but not holding my breath either... this year, gift for KIDS ONLY)

8.  had a seriously yummy sushi dinner (company din-din) at Pure Sushi Bar in Scottsdale. Their Creamy Bake Lobster Roll was honestly the best Sushi Roll I have EVER had!!

9.  temps in AZ dropped into the mid to high 20s last night... therefore leaving the business SUPER-CRAZY-BUSY! I've been taking calls all morning long (it's 1pm now) and have blogged here and there. I got the hubs service schedule booked into OT (overtime) tonight AND tomorrow!! Crazy crazy crazy!! 

10.  we took the kids (and my nephew Jake) to BWW and then to see the new Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 last night... great movie (and for the record... the snake scared the be-jesus out of me!!!)

11.  Was thinking about a Red Velvet inspired giveaway... hmmm, maybe??

what...

Thanks LA for sharing this! I've watched it ten times already! lol, What?!?

thankful...

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This year I feel that it is important (for me) to point out what I am thankful for. This year, I have so much to be thankful for... I've never felt so thankful, and grateful for all the small things that I do have in my life. Don't worry, I'm not going to list everything-everything (like I am thankful to have running water in the house, and the gas heater turned on) lol, which I am thankful for... but here are the big ticket items...

1. God's Love.  I have felt the love of God more in the past two and a half months than I ever have (probably in my entire life). Nobody is perfect, and everyone is a sinner... but thankfully, in God's eyes we are perfect. I am thankful for His love, his grace, his gifts, and his blessings. Without God, I am nothing.

2.  My Daddy. This one is tough (and I am already crying). I miss my Daddy every second of every day since he's been gone. I am so incredibly thankful for every single second that I had him in my life. Every second. Even the ones where I was in trouble with him. Every single one. I am thankful to have such an amazing Daddy. A man who was (in my eyes) near perfect. He will always be with me. He will always be in my heart, and in my thoughts. And I am thankful (again, God's love) that one day we will be reunited in Heaven. I love you Daddy.

3.  My Family. I am thankful to be blessed with my children. I am thankful that God gave them to me, allowing me to be their momma, and give them all the love I have. I am thankful for my husband, who has had to literally pick me up off the floor when the pain of losing Daddy has become too much. Day in and day out this man has had to endure the process (and sometimes reprocusions) of grief and stress. I am thankful for my Mama. Every day, every hour, and just about every minute is a struggle for life, a struggle to live without Daddy by her side. I can not imagine how difficult that is. I am thankful she fights through her days because she loves us. I am thankful for my Sista. Without her I don't think I could survive all of this. She knows exactly how I feel, because she is going through it all too. I am thankful for her advice (even though she is younger, lol) and thankful that she is here with me, in my life every day. I am thankful for my nephews and niece. They bring me so much joy, and so much love, (and so much chaos) that it is nice to be able to love them like my own children. I am thankful to my in-laws, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, my second cousins, my third cousins (we're Mexican... we're a big family. lol). The amount of love and support that they have shown me, and my family during this time of mourning has been powerful. My cup runneth over.

4. My Friends. I am so thankful. I have the most amazing friends in the world. Friends that have been there to do absolutely anything for me in this time of need. Friends that flew out, drove out, were there by my side the first minute they could get to me. Friends who let me cry to them on the phone, or in person. Friends who let me ramble on (I'm sure repetatively) about my pain and heartache. Friends who read my blog and send me support. Friends who call me, send me cards, send me emails. Friends who care far beyond what they should or what I would ever have thought. I am so thankful for each and every single friend. They help shine light into my life. Thank You.

I wish each and every one of you a very Thankful and very Happy Thanksgiving.

I love you all. xoxo

this lady...

is CRACKING ME UP this black friday season!

everytime her commercials come on, i can't help but laugh (like really, really hard). this commercial is my favorite... but she is all over the tv and all over the internet. props for target! shes a funny lady!!

i bet ya didn't know...

i know, two blog posts in one day. i'm making up for lost times. lol

i came across THIS inspiring Library Love Shoot over at Ruffled (one of my favorite wedding blogs) and it sparked my flame (and my memory) of when i used to work in the library in high school. 

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i'm thankful to my parents, they always took us to the local library when my sister and i were kids. i loved checking out books, and sitting in their big oversized chairs and begin to read the next great story. i remember the first chapter book that i read (twice) was called "Wonderful Me"... I was an avid reader of the Christy Miller series and Nancy Drew books throughout elementary and junior high school. once i got to high school i enjoyed reading The Great Gatsby and Fahrenheit 451. A book completely out of my range but I still greatly enjoyed it was Always Running: La Vida Loca. it was on one of my 'shelves' that i had to keep organized. 

i loved cataloging books, and looking at old school yearbooks in the back, and thumbing through all the back issues of LIFE and National Geographic and TIME and Seventeen magazines. ahhh, i could go on and on about my fascination of one time being a librarian. reading is so powerful, and it wasn't until this past year that i remembered my love for it.

just something to share...

touched my heart

i know my heart is sad and struggling. i've tried leaning on God to get me through this, and it has helped tremendously, but there are times when trusting God is hard and seems practically impossible. as often as i feel grateful to God for his blessings and his gifts to us, i also feel distance and disheartened as well. i'm not perfect (and certainly not a perfect christian). but it is truly a 'God Wink' when you're feeling distance from him that something leads you right back to him... something touches your heart and you know, you just Know that he really is there.

my beautiful friend Janel has been posting a Thankful 30 Challenge, and Day 23 has truly touched my heart, right when i needed it most.

a reminder that i need to be in my Bible reading his promises, helping to heal my heart and take away my pain. 

three days til turkey day.

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i'll be honest. i am filled with anxiety about Thanksgiving day this year. the hubs is gonna prepare the bird. i'm gonna make the stuffing. mom and sista are making sides. we are eating at our house this year, instead of my parents. the table will more than likely not be elaborately set like previous years (my mom is a genius when it comes to table-setting). i don't even have any fall decorations up in the house. and there will be a great big hole in the room where Daddy should be. i don't know what to expect, or how to prepare or get through this. one step at a time. one breath at a time.

on a side note, today is the hub's 33rd birthday. such an old man. lol. we celebrated yesterday (going to cabelas... his favorite store). today is back to work, but thankfully it's a short work week. :-)

yay!!

that's my dog

i took a few photos of my dog the other day, and i thought i'd share.

his name is Gunner. we call him Gunner Boy. 

he just turned 5 human years old on Halloween. he's getting so old... see the gray??

Wee Bit Wednesdays

{one} what time do you normally wake up?lately, 7am, but it should be 6-630am
{two} do you have a go-to song for karaoke?WannaBe by SpiceGirls
{three} if you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would you choose to see?Pink
{four} what color best matches your personality?Ditto.
{five} if you could choose one meal to cook better than anyone else, what would it be?white chili
{six} how many keys do you have on your key ring?Home, LJ, Engbarth Home, Sig Home, Mama, Sista, In-Laws... guess that makes 7
{seven} do you give your pets birthday/christmas gifts?Absolutely! He's part of the family too! His birthday was Halloween and his homecoming from Santa was Christmas.
{eight} when your plate has different foods on it, do you mix or not?No way no how. My food can't hardly be touching unless it is absolutely necessary, and still I only eat one course at a time.
{nine} if you could hire someone to do one thing for you all the time, what would it be?Do my paperwork! With two jobs, and family bills, and loan applications, and Daddy's death paperwork,  need someone to help me with the paper and the stress that goes along with it.
{ten} when flying, do you prefer the window or aisle seat?Aisle. Scared to fly and first to get served cocktails. lol
Link up at Leigh Ashley's!

oh the places we'll go : Alaska

Sunday night I watched Sarah Palin's Alaska

Although I am not really an 'outdoorsy' girl... I absolutely fell in love with the breathtaking beauty of Alaska! However, it's a place I would only be able to visit, due to the fact that you pretty much have to take one of those water planes everywhere. No thanks! lol

two months

I can hardly believe it's been two months today. I play that morning over and over in my head daily. I cry. I get angry (like really angry). I become so numb that my brain buzzes continuously. My body radiates with physical pain because I miss him SO Much! It's insane.

On the plus side, the 'harder days' aren't every day. I've been able to smile, and laugh. Having friends and family around helps.

I have plans to join some grief counseling soon. I think it will help.

I really don't know what else to say. I knew today would come, just like I know like the three month mark will come, and the holidays will come. I have no idea how we will get through the holidays. It feels like I've forgotten how to 'celebrate'. What a terrible feeling. But I know that Daddy would be saying to 'do-it-up' for the kids. The holidays are all about the kids. That will be my focus.

Today I'm just trying to take it easy. Stay to myself.

I am grateful to have a chiropractic visit today.

I am grateful to have my kids to myself today (instead of having my sisters kids as well).

I am grateful that I have so many people who love me, and who are praying for me and my family.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I hope to be stronger. To be happier. To be livelier. 

its friday and i actually feel good

4 Colour Sun Wheel, originally uploaded by escher....

in all honesty, i feel like i can breathe, like i can smile and really mean it.
man, its been a rough week.

but today is FRIDAY! today....
- my sister comes home from three weeks of management training in CA, and takes back her kids (whom i love deeply and dearly, but am ready for them to have their mom be their mom and not their aunt be their mom)
- is the last day i will be working in the office by myself (this is week FIVE people, doing double jobs, and being alone while grieving is not exactly a perfect match)
- i have family in town, and that always feels good
- i bought 50 episodes of Wheel of Fortune on Facebook (yes, I know I am a dork, but it mellows me out, okay! lol)
- i decided that i am going to do something 'charity-like' with my kids (more on that to come)
- i hope to get my craftiness on when i get home

i have to give my mom a HUGE shout-out! she is amazing, and has had my sisters kids since wednesday night, and (although i worry about her) it has made such a difference in my household. i love you mommy!!

okay, well i hope you have a super fabulous weekend. perhaps i'll blog, perhaps i wont. lets just see shall we (this, coming from the so-called planner). lol.

enjoy life!
xoxo

have i scared you away yet? lol

First, allow me to apologize for my absence to anyone who actually reads this blog (and cares). As you know, my Daddy passed away almost two months ago, and, well, that's my excuse for not blogging.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, I really don't. I especially don't want to write negative-ness here on my blog for y'all to see. Which (again) explains my absence.

With that said, I miss blogging. I miss writing.

But I miss my Dad more than anything in this world. Truth be told, I am not doing good. When people ask, I tell them "I'm on two feet", because there was a time that I wasn't. There have been days I can barely get to my feet. I never expected sadness like this, so deep and so incredibly painful. -- I used to see crying as a sign of weakness within myself. Now theres not a day that goes by that I don't cry (and sometimes sob uncontrollably).

I know that deep down I am a strong person, and I can't even begin to tell you how tested I am being in my life right now. It is as if the devil himself is casting lighting from every direction, trying to break me. Never in my life have I been on my knees in prayer as often as I am now. Financial crisis, the loss of friendships, the stress of five kids, the constant reminder of the lonely holidays approaching, trying to be supportive for my family, work stresses, health issues... you name it, I've got it. I am in a constant battle of balancing everything around me, everything I am responsible for, and everything inside of me (bouncing off my inner walls).

I am doing my best. My very best. Because that is all I can do... But it is exhausting.

I know that A) With God All Things are Possible and B) in the end, everything will be okay. We will all be allright. I know this, in my heart.


Today was the first day that I've been home with just me and my two kids. The hubs is off hunting for deer this weekend. I've been doing everything I love to do (excluding laundry) when I'm home, trying to cheer myself up. I made chocolate chip pancakes with a side of fresh fruit for all the kids, I baked hot pink cupcakes (still need to ice them with the cream cheese / hot fudge icing I made), I've been playing around with my DSLR camera (that I finally got back from the repair shop), and I've been scrapbooking (yes, really) a mini book from my blog trip to Springfield, I've been listening to K-Love Christian music all day (usually puts me in a great mood).

It's been a good day. A stress-less day, trying my best to find normal again. I think normal has become something different for me, and I'm not exactly sure what it is yet. I think its going to be a while before normal happens for me.

Okay, I think I've written a blog-novel (I'm scared to scroll up) and I apologize for any depress-ness (yes I make up my own words here) I may have caused, and I also apologize for not having any photos. Not really like me, and actually I have some, but they're being a pain to upload and my patience level for computer problems is at near zero today.

I want you to know that I appreciate every single person who (making it this far, lol) reads my blog, and I especially appreciate kind comments left for me. I realize that I am not the only person in the world who has lost a parent. I realize that people are having bigger issues out there. I just. I am grateful, to be able to write, and share my little world with those who are interested. Thank you for being out there.

xoxo Jen