have i scared you away yet? lol

First, allow me to apologize for my absence to anyone who actually reads this blog (and cares). As you know, my Daddy passed away almost two months ago, and, well, that's my excuse for not blogging.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, I really don't. I especially don't want to write negative-ness here on my blog for y'all to see. Which (again) explains my absence.

With that said, I miss blogging. I miss writing.

But I miss my Dad more than anything in this world. Truth be told, I am not doing good. When people ask, I tell them "I'm on two feet", because there was a time that I wasn't. There have been days I can barely get to my feet. I never expected sadness like this, so deep and so incredibly painful. -- I used to see crying as a sign of weakness within myself. Now theres not a day that goes by that I don't cry (and sometimes sob uncontrollably).

I know that deep down I am a strong person, and I can't even begin to tell you how tested I am being in my life right now. It is as if the devil himself is casting lighting from every direction, trying to break me. Never in my life have I been on my knees in prayer as often as I am now. Financial crisis, the loss of friendships, the stress of five kids, the constant reminder of the lonely holidays approaching, trying to be supportive for my family, work stresses, health issues... you name it, I've got it. I am in a constant battle of balancing everything around me, everything I am responsible for, and everything inside of me (bouncing off my inner walls).

I am doing my best. My very best. Because that is all I can do... But it is exhausting.

I know that A) With God All Things are Possible and B) in the end, everything will be okay. We will all be allright. I know this, in my heart.


Today was the first day that I've been home with just me and my two kids. The hubs is off hunting for deer this weekend. I've been doing everything I love to do (excluding laundry) when I'm home, trying to cheer myself up. I made chocolate chip pancakes with a side of fresh fruit for all the kids, I baked hot pink cupcakes (still need to ice them with the cream cheese / hot fudge icing I made), I've been playing around with my DSLR camera (that I finally got back from the repair shop), and I've been scrapbooking (yes, really) a mini book from my blog trip to Springfield, I've been listening to K-Love Christian music all day (usually puts me in a great mood).

It's been a good day. A stress-less day, trying my best to find normal again. I think normal has become something different for me, and I'm not exactly sure what it is yet. I think its going to be a while before normal happens for me.

Okay, I think I've written a blog-novel (I'm scared to scroll up) and I apologize for any depress-ness (yes I make up my own words here) I may have caused, and I also apologize for not having any photos. Not really like me, and actually I have some, but they're being a pain to upload and my patience level for computer problems is at near zero today.

I want you to know that I appreciate every single person who (making it this far, lol) reads my blog, and I especially appreciate kind comments left for me. I realize that I am not the only person in the world who has lost a parent. I realize that people are having bigger issues out there. I just. I am grateful, to be able to write, and share my little world with those who are interested. Thank you for being out there.

xoxo Jen