up in the gym just workin' on my fitness...


yeah... i did just bust out a Fergie song for my title... cuz thats how i roll. lol

so, my absence from the blogsphere can largely be blamed on my presence in the gym. i'm sure you all remember last year's goals which largely pertained to getting my oversized-self into the gym and getting healthy.
Note: I did not say skinny or thin or buff or hot or any of these terms. 
The main goal was to feel good, and look good. I set a date to my goal... my  30th birthday (on August 21) and followed through. I can honestly say that I felt I achieved my goal. If we had to put numbers on it (as in pounds on a scale) I would say that I was at 95% on my birthday and still full of drive to continue my new 'clean' lifestyle.
Of course the deep dark hole of death and grief and mourning swallowed me up and chewed on me for a while before spitting me back out at right about the same time I started my journey last year, and damn near the same (over)size.
Talk about discouragement.
I really felt like 'why try', like maybe I was just destined to be stuck in a 'larger-sized' and 'unhealthy' me. Essentially, I was already giving up before even starting. I was quitting before I even committed. I was just soooo loooow (and those that know me well, know how low I was).
Weird as this sounds, I woke up one day and literally yelled at myself. Why would I give up on something that I know I can do, on something I've already done, on something that I knew worked for me, that brought me empowerment and joy and health and glow and strength... (strength was exactly what I kept praying for). Most of all, why would I give up when my Dad never did. In honest-to-God sickness and pain, through surgeries, testing, chemo... HE NEVER GAVE UP... even at the end he didn't give up. He fought.... and he fought HARD for us, for Mom, and Sista and Me, and our family!
I will forever have engraved in my memory Daddy leaning against the counter in my kitchen and he said 'All I Want To Do Is Live'.
There was the fire inside... I would get out of bed... put down the box(es) of chocolate... and take my first step back to where I was. Back to working hard and LIVING a healthy life. I can feel the fire of my Dad in my heart, pushing me harder when I feel like I can't finish the last five minutes, urging me to make better choices in what I eat and what I prepare for my family and the ones I love, and encouraging me to slow down and appreciate the simple breeze on a warm day or the soft supple petals of the white flowers Mom buys Daddy every week.
It's funny how death changes life.

What changes have you made recently??

1 comment

Tiffany said...

Jen you are amazing! Think of the strength you have inside just to have been able to continue to live after such a devastating loss. No one understands that. We do not give ourselves credit for "making it" on a daily basis through the hardest thing we could have ever imagined. I am so proud of you and I know your dad is so proud of you!! You are beautiful always! You will do what you need to do when the time is right and a little physical strength comes back it. My only advice is to find things that you LOVE, things that you enjoy, that you may not consider exercise but that you consider to something you enjoy and love doing. For me that has been boxing, running and pilates. But I cannot wait to try something else. It seems like most things I try lately I have been enjoying. I think next I will try more biking! And maybe even sign up for a long ride or something, to help keep me motivated! I'll update you and I hope you update me!
Love you~

© something Big is coming...
Maira Gall