I've spent alot of time in the quiet. Not something I am used to. No sounds, no commotion. It's peaceful and disturbing to me. It is much needed and most avoided. 

You see, I like chaos. I like being so busy that it forces you deal with the task at hand instead of what is eating away at you inside.

Yesterday, I spent the better half of the day in silence. (I would say complete silence, but I was doing laundry so the whirl of clothes being beaten by water and thrown around by air where a constant muffled background noise.) I like background noise. I need background noise. For me, the television has always been my background noise, exactly like my Dad. I don't have to be watching it, but its a comfort to have it on.

Here is some trivia for you. I have to have the television on when I sleep. The minute the self timer goes off, I'm up and panicked and rushing to turn it back on. The self timer is just to appease my husband so that he can actually get some sleep. lol.

But the night before last, I turned the television off and (eventually) fell asleep in dark silence.

When I woke (early) I took comfort and refuge in the quiet. I embraced it, and carried it with me throughout the day. It gave me space to think about the things that I was avoiding. It gave me clarity to see the things I was choosing not to see. It was enlightening and powerful and terrifying.

Like I said, I was doing laundry (27 loads, I'm still working on) and I was walking around the house trying to clean, pick up, anything! But it didn't matter what I was doing physically, because mentally I was in the quiet. So bizarre and so rare, for me. I am used to having (quite literally) a hundred different things in my head. I know it's a 'mom' thing... 'whats for dinner', the boys needs new shoes, the car needs an oil change, don't forget to check the kids nook history, make a grocery list, make sure to double the ingredients for the soups and chili, balance the checkbook, call the lender'... but for me... I like to add things to my brain that really have no business being there... 'how many miles is it from Phoenix to Virginia, how many customers died last year, is the world really going to end soon, what would it be like to adopt a child, how can I help the starving kids in the world, I want season dinner theater tickets, what if I get cancer, what if Mom gets sick, how many weird worlds biggest things are there in the US, how far is the Grand Canyon from my house...' anything to avoid thinking about the things inside of me that I should be dealing with... need to deal with.

With this holiday season taking the top spot for suckiest holiday season ever... I wasn't doing any New Years resolutions or yearly goals or anything like that (those of you who know me, know that I love my 'New Beginnings') but after yesterday, the quiet got me thinking about Ali Edwards' One Little Word project. I don't know if its something I'll participate in necessarily, but I think for Me... for 2011... I think my word will be Quiet.

What would your word be?


Anonymous said...

I think my word will be....Balance.

hugs, liz

Gina said...

It seems as though your head & my head are quite similar, especially with adding all the crazy stuff to it that doesn't need to be there.

If I had to pick a word for 2011, I think I'd go with faith.

Tiffany said...

This is a great post~ Quiet is a scary yet amazing thing~ I know we both have heavy minds and heavy hearts especially in the calm and quiet times. I think it is helpful to embrace that sometimes. I suppose it is part of the healing process.
My word today would be "uncertain".

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Maira Gall