one year, daddy...



It's been a year Daddy. I've made it through. Now what. My heart hasn't magically healed. I still have to remind myself that the reason you don't pick up the phone when I call is because you're not there. The emptiness in my heart is so big that sometimes I feel as though it's trying to swallow me whole and keeps me from breathing. So difficult to even breathe most days. 
And then I take a deep breathe. For you. Because I am here. I am living. I am fighting each day. My efforts are for you. My focus, right now, to live each day is because of you. I will not waste my time here because you taught me that time is a very precious thing. 
I know you don't want me to sit and cry. Some days that can not be helped. But most days I find the strength to get out of bed, take care of my family, take care of myself, take care of my world around me. It is not easy. But it is necessary, and it is your request. This, I remember. I replay over and over in my head your words, "all I want to do is live". Chilling at first, haunting me until I was able to to hear what you were saying. Daddy, you will live. Through me, you will live, through Mom, you will live, through Lisa, you will live. Through Paul, and the grand kids, you will live. You will live on in the hearts of every person you've ever known. 
Daddy, I'm going to be okay. The days won't be easy, but I will be okay. My heart will not ever be complete, but I will be okay. I miss you like crazy, every single moment of every single day, but I will be okay. 
I love you Daddy. 
<3 Your Sunshine



4 comments

Carrie Rosalind said...

<3 Thinking about you today and glad that you have such sweet memories with your dad to get you through this very sad time.

xoxo, see you soon!!

Gina said...

With tears in my eyes Jen, that's all I can say is {{{big hugs}}}.

Tiffany said...

I am thinking of you Jen!! I love this post! You worded everything so perfectly!
Thank you for sharing even the most vulnerable and precious things!
Love you!

hellosweetworld said...

Thoughts are with you. Time will help heal....

© something Big is coming...
Maira Gall