this is me, opening up to you... a little...

I am so bummed, with Christmas literally right around the corner I have been in this gloom (and I have totally been trying to blame it on the weather). lol.

I read this (above) found on and quickly realized that so much of me wants to live this way instead of actually living this way. And I wish it was as easy as Nike says 'Just Do It' but for me, it just isn't that simple.

For me, life is organized and comfortable and predictable.
While I can see the magic in every day, I feel as though for me it is untouchable.
I don't trust intuition. I second guess myself and can't make life changing decision because of uncertainty.
I am not sure I can ever know myself fully.
I am scared, terrified actually to make a mistake.
Holding on and letting go. When?
I do love hard. And often. But not always openly.
Admitting that I am wrong is one of the most difficult things in the entire world for me to do.
Truth can be costly.
My own reality isn't as interesting as reality portrayed.
I see more sadness in the world than I care to.
Being wild and free is intoxicating and I long for it.
Being me.... I think that is what I am trying to accomplish.

Please don't misunderstand. This isn't meant to be a 'downer' post. Read it more as an self-reality-check. I know the sun will shine in my heart soon enough (I actually feel much better just posting this). Perhaps it has something to do with a new year fast approaching, and in that year my 30th birthday... hmmmm....

I wish all of you a lovely winter day!! :-)


Jamie said...

I've been seeing so much of this and feeling so much of it myself. I feel like 2010 is going to be an amazing year. Your 30's are going to be the best years of your life! Trust me! It feels so good to be rid of the 20's and all the mistakes (for me) that held! You are an amazing person and I'm so thankful that we've become such good friends this year. You are a blessing. Something big is coming...remember? ;) Let's make 2010 the best year EVER and so amazing!!!! Love you, girl!!! xoxo

Lehua said...

life is all about the experiences you make and take. don't be afraid to fail, because failing makes you stronger. don't be afraid to fall, because it makes you only that much more braver.

one of my favorite quotes [this may sound dumb] is from winnie the pooh: "“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

2010 is going to be a great year for you. writing this blog is a big step in the right direction. we're all here for you.

xoxo, lehua

Danielle said...

I agree with the above commenters, this is a huge step in the right direction, just writing about it. I totally know how you feel too- knowing the way you want to live but not actually living that way. I know you can do it. 2010 is going to be a magical year, and you are such a beautiful, amazing will achieve EVERYTHING you want to. We are all here for you and have your back. You can do it! Let me know if you ever need to talk, vent, etc. Always here.


Miss Wanderlust said...

soooooo much :)

Lindsay said...

2010 will be a great year!!! It will get better! Cold weather makes me feel gloomy sometimes bleh! Always find the sun :D

Gina said...

I don't know if I can add much to what everyone else has said. You'll break out of this Jen. I know it. I've always seen you as fun loving and strong. Never be afraid to fail. Maybe the age thing has something to do with this because I know I have issues with getting older. But really, 30? You're still young. I see you as the type of person to be full of life even at 80. You'll be fine. (((hugs)))

Violet Bella said...

i completely understand your feelings. i lived with that feeling for a long long time. change was so scary to me. i was in an 8 year relationship, that deep in my heart, i knew i didnt belong. but fear of the unknown kept me there. i was comfortable. then the time came and i broke away! and began to really experience life. just a warning, much fun can be had being free, but much pain and hurt can as well if you are not careful! i learned that the hard way. sometimes, we just need to change our perspective of what our here and now is. sometimes making simple changes within yourself, changes your surrounding environment without any force. sometimes your heart is really the only place the change needs to happen. im not sure what your feelings stem from, im only speaking from my own personal experiences. im here if you need to talk!

© something Big is coming...
Maira Gall