being that this was my first father's day since my Dad passed, it was my intention to sit down and write him a letter. i had planned to fill it with lovely memories, things i miss, and words i would gladly say to him. i had planned to write that letter here, sharing it with those who read my blog and who have followed me on this new journey of trying to live a life without a Daddy.
i could tell you that i've just been too busy to write.
i could say that i wrote the letter and felt it too personal to share.
but i would be lying.
to be honest, i didn't want to acknowledge fathers day. i don't have a Dad that I can pick up the phone and call or write a beautiful card, or buy a gift for. the reality that he isn't here, with us... really got the better of me on Friday. i spent the better part of the day with tears falling uncontrollably. just pure emotion and exhausting pain. it was a long day. i realized (quite quickly) that i am still grieving. i am still in shock, and still in alot of pain. when i wake every day, i try very hard to make it a positive day, a day to make my Dad proud. i try to be strong in mind, and strong in body. but not every day goes that way, and that is OK.
i did acknowledge those fathers around me... the hubs, my father-in-law, some close friends. that was really difficult to me, to get the words out... happy fathers day.
i know next year will be different. maybe by then i'll be able to sit down and write that letter i had intended to write. something to look forward to, perhaps.