i skipped fathers day... on purpose...

being that this was my first father's day since my Dad passed, it was my intention to sit down and write him a letter. i had planned to fill it with lovely memories, things i miss, and words i would gladly say to him. i had planned to write that letter here, sharing it with those who read my blog and who have followed me on this new journey of trying to live a life without a Daddy.

i could tell you that i've just been too busy to write.
i could say that i wrote the letter and felt it too personal to share. 
but i would be lying.

to be honest, i didn't want to acknowledge fathers day. i don't have a Dad that I can pick up the phone and call or write a beautiful card, or buy a gift for. the reality that he isn't here, with us... really got the better of me on Friday. i spent the better part of the day with tears falling uncontrollably. just pure emotion and exhausting pain. it was a long day. i realized (quite quickly) that i am still grieving. i am still in shock, and still in alot of pain. when i wake every day, i try very hard to make it a positive day, a day to make my Dad proud. i try to be strong in mind, and strong in body. but not every day goes that way, and that is OK.

i did acknowledge those fathers around me... the hubs, my father-in-law, some close friends. that was really difficult to me, to get the words out... happy fathers day. 

i know next year will be different. maybe by then i'll be able to sit down and write that letter i had intended to write. something to look forward to, perhaps.


Mrs. Biscuit said...

I'm so sorry Jen. I can completely related. Losing my dad has turned a number of holidays into days where I suffer, cry and grieve. Clearly I'm not so good at this grief thing since it's taking me forever, but I'm starting to think that grief never really ends, it just changes as you grow.

I don't have any words that will take your pain away, believe me, if I did I'd be shouting them from the rooftops. However, I can tell you that I understand, you're not alone, and I couldn't help but relate to you while I was reading this post.

<3 <3 <3 MuffinLovesBiscuit

Gina said...

Awww Jen. I understand completely how you feel. It'll get better. It won't make it any easier, but somehow it'll get better each year.

I've gotten so bad with Father's Day since my dad passed away that I actually forgot to send a card to my father-in-law this year! I'm really angry with myself for it. I did call him though, but still. :(

lacy said...

Oh Jen, gigantic love. Gigantic love for you. And wish I could hug you. Thank you for being so raw and honest. I am going to call me dad and say I love you b/c of your words. Thank you.

Tiffany said...

Thinking of you Jen! I understand what you are going through~ It has been almost 2 years since my mom died and it still feels like just yesterday~ I still can't believe that when I write those words, I am speaking the truth. I don't know if it will ever seem real~ I wish I could give you a giant hug!
I hope you write the letter someday and I hope that you share it here!
Love you!

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Maira Gall