its monday and im okay

something Big has come...
and gone.
It was my Daddy.
So many things have occurred in the past month that my head hasn't stopped spinning. 
I turned 30. I finally became an adult (in my head. lol) and it seems just in time because less than one month later my Daddy passed away. Suddenly, and in his sleep. Unexpectedly, only because he has been doing so well recently.
What am I feeling now... Hmm. I don't feel angry, because I was lucky enough to have him in my life for 30 years! Like my mom keeps saying, we got the very best of him. I feel sadness, almost all the time because I miss him so much. I miss his voice, his hugs, the way he called me JJ. I feel proud of the amazing life he led, and all of his accomplishments, both serving in the air force and sherriffs department, but also of the man of Christ that he became. Believe me, it is my faith, and my assurance that I will one day be reunited with him that has helped me get through alot of this. I feel concerned for my mother, who lost her very best friend. I feel a responsibility to my Daddy to take care of my mother, and my sister (and when I get around to it, myself). I feel heartbreak watching my mother go through this unbearable pain and I feel helpless not to help ease it or take it away. I still talk to my dad, at his house, in my head, as if he is sitting right next to me. I haven't felt the pain in my heart yet, the pain of loss. I am probably guarding myself, I am probably keeping busy making sure Mom and Lisa are okay. I'm letting my own life and the people and things in them distract me from going through the pain of loss. But I know I will, one day. Right now I am still... numb.
I've cried. I've bawled. But I'm quick to pull up my bootstraps because there is business to take care of. Paperwork to do, people to care for. 
I want you to know that I am okay. Right now, I am okay. I had the most amazing Dad that anyone could ask for. I am so incredibly grateful to God for giving him to me. He was mine! So grateful that I can feel it all throughout my heart. Prayers are always appreciated! I believe in the power of prayer more now than ever before. I know that I am a changed woman. I don't know exactly how, just yet. That's going to take a while. But all I can say right now, is that I am going to do the very best I can, every day. One day life will get easier, I won't have to remind myself to do certain things (like brush my teeth, lol). And I apologize in advance if I repeat myself here, or post or talk about my dad. Just bear with me, I am sure it's all part of the process.
Thank you everyone who have shared your love and support with me. The emails, the text messages, the comments here and on fb... I don't feel alone. Thank You!


Gina said...

Jen, you go ahead & talk about your dad every single day if you have to. There's no need to apologize.

I can relate to your pain on this one. There's not a day that goes by that I haven't thought of my dad these past 7 years. (How can it be 7 years already?)

Take care of your Mom & sister (& yourself). Keep Mom busy. That's probably the best thing for her especially as time goes on.

Keep your eyes open. You may think I'm crazy, but I honestly believe our loved ones send signs to us letting us know that they are all right. When it happens, you'll know it.

Hang in there. If you need an ear or a long distance shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you. {{hugs}}

Tiffany said...

You are so amazing and so strong! I think about you every day! Let me know if you ever want to talk!
Love you~

lacy said...

Oh Jen! I am so sorry, my heart is breaking for you. I'll be sending you love and support all day today. Oh I wish I could hug you.

Loni's World said...

Many hugs to you... :)

© something Big is coming...
Maira Gall