ten things . end of 2013 edition

The holidays are always my favorite time of year. Joyful truly does describe it. There are so many things that I love about the holidays that I thought for today's 10 Things on the 10th I'd list my absolute favorites!

1.  Christmas Tree Decorating. I may or may not be a semi-professional amateur Christmas Tree decorator. I absolutely love it. The different themes, colors, textures. So many ideas. So many beautiful things.

2.  White Christmas. As in the the 1954 movie with Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney, Danny Kaye, and Vera-Ellen. It just isn't Christmas without watching this movie at least five times! I'm not joking. I watch it alot!! lol

3.  Snuggle Weather. When the temperatures drop to the point that it's biting and bone chilling, those are the best times to sit in front of a fire, cuddle up with the babes, or even better, snuggle up with your favorite person and a cozy warm blanket.

4.  Leggings, Scarves, Beanies and Fuzzy Boots. Yeah, pretty much the uniform of the season. With the cold temperatures (even for Arizona) this is the most effortless and most fashion savvy outfit that I wear. That most people wear this time of year. Better to have too many layers than not enough, right! And can I just note, I am in love Love LOVE with furry fuzzy boots. I bought myself my very first pair, and I swear they rarely leave my feet. I would sleep in them if I could. lol

5.  The Gift of Giving. I love Love LOVE giving gifts. Far better than receiving them. I like to hunt for that perfect gift, get it wrapped up and watch and the recipient opens up their hand-picked gift. The light and joy that fills their face truly warms my heart.

6.  Speaking of Gifts... the Ultimate Gift. How can I talk about my favorite time of year without mentioning the Reason for the Season! Our God loves us SOO Much that he sent his only son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for my sins. I can't even begin to describe that kind of love. I love reading the story of Christ's birth. I love seeing the Nativity sets all about. I love when the babes get excited about Jesus' birth. It's his party but we get the presents. lol

7.  Speaking of Presents... Gift Wrap and Ribbons and Bows. Of course, I love to wrap gifts in coordinating colors and pretty ribbons and bows. I love embellishing and personalizing gifts. Making them too pretty to open ... nah, who am I kidding. lol.

8.  What is Christmas without the Music. I'm one of those people who could listen to Christmas music all year long. Truly. It lifts my spirits, and I can never get enough of hearing Frank Sinatra, or The Carpenters, or Burl Ives. Don't ask me to pick a favorite because I just can't. There are too many songs that I love for different reasons, and they are all so very special to me.

9.  Christmas Cookie Monster. Tis true, at Christmas time I become a serious cookie monster. I try and make all the same cookies I've been making my entire life; Peanut Butter Blossoms, M&M Cookies, Mexican Wedding Cakes, Candy Cane Cookies, Sugar Cookies, Magic Bars, Snickerdoodles. While most years I don't have the time to make every cookie, I have added others to my favorites list, like French Macaroons, and Chocolate Mice.

10.  Christmas Morning. The most specialist time of the year. We wake up with our own little families, and see what Santa has left for the kids. We go through our stockings that Santa overflows every year. The dog goes absolutely bonkers when his stocking is filled. He knows his buddy, Santa has been to the house (Santa brought Gunner to us 8 Christmases ago). We open up the gifts we've given each other. Then we head over to Mom and Dads (even though Dad is gone, I still call it Mom and Dads, especially at Christmas time, because I know he is there with us). We do as we have done my entire life, and watch the kids open up their gifts left from Santa, go through stockings, and then take turns opening our gifts from each other. Pure joy! I can't wait for the morning of December 25, 2013!!

i really was his sunshine

If you don't know by now, then you must be new to le'blog. 

I was my Daddy's Sunshine. 

It was the first song he ever sang to me. 

It was my nickname, just mine and his.

It is special. 

Now that he is gone, it is even more special.

That is why I am trying to win this:

Jewelry from Lisa Leonard

Giveaway Contest from Casey Wiegand

If I don't win...

someone who loves me very much could always buy it for me.

Look... I even have a coupon code:

 coupon code connect20 for 20% off anything in the shop!! It expires March 15, 2012

I really was his Sunshine.

goodbye to my hero

One year ago today, we laid Daddy down to rest for eternity. I miss you Daddy.

one year, daddy...

It's been a year Daddy. I've made it through. Now what. My heart hasn't magically healed. I still have to remind myself that the reason you don't pick up the phone when I call is because you're not there. The emptiness in my heart is so big that sometimes I feel as though it's trying to swallow me whole and keeps me from breathing. So difficult to even breathe most days. 

And then I take a deep breathe. For you. Because I am here. I am living. I am fighting each day. My efforts are for you. My focus, right now, to live each day is because of you. I will not waste my time here because you taught me that time is a very precious thing. 

I know you don't want me to sit and cry. Some days that can not be helped. But most days I find the strength to get out of bed, take care of my family, take care of myself, take care of my world around me. It is not easy. But it is necessary, and it is your request. This, I remember. I replay over and over in my head your words, "all I want to do is live". Chilling at first, haunting me until I was able to to hear what you were saying. Daddy, you will live. Through me, you will live, through Mom, you will live, through Lisa, you will live. Through Paul, and the grand kids, you will live. You will live on in the hearts of every person you've ever known. 

Daddy, I'm going to be okay. The days won't be easy, but I will be okay. My heart will not ever be complete, but I will be okay. I miss you like crazy, every single moment of every single day, but I will be okay. 

I love you Daddy. 

<3 Your Sunshine

it's not easy... to say... goodbye

To Terry, Love Rosalie

"Goodbye" by Lionel Richie

I wanted you for life
You and me
In the wind
I never thought there come a time
That our story would end
It's hard to understand
But I guess I'll have to try
It's not easy
To say goodbye.

For all the joy we shared
All that time we had to spend
Now if I had one wish
I'd want forever back again
To look into your eyes
And hold you when you cry
It's not easy
To say goodbye

I can remember all those great times we had
There were so many memories, some good some bad
Yes and through it all
Those memories will last
Forever

There's peace in where you are
May be all I need to know
And if I listen to my heart
I'll hear your laughter once more
And so I got to say
I'm just glad you came my way
It's not easy to say
Goodbye

Goodbye 

i skipped fathers day... on purpose...

being that this was my first father's day since my Dad passed, it was my intention to sit down and write him a letter. i had planned to fill it with lovely memories, things i miss, and words i would gladly say to him. i had planned to write that letter here, sharing it with those who read my blog and who have followed me on this new journey of trying to live a life without a Daddy.

i could tell you that i've just been too busy to write.

i could say that i wrote the letter and felt it too personal to share. 

but i would be lying.

to be honest, i didn't want to acknowledge fathers day. i don't have a Dad that I can pick up the phone and call or write a beautiful card, or buy a gift for. the reality that he isn't here, with us... really got the better of me on Friday. i spent the better part of the day with tears falling uncontrollably. just pure emotion and exhausting pain. it was a long day. i realized (quite quickly) that i am still grieving. i am still in shock, and still in alot of pain. when i wake every day, i try very hard to make it a positive day, a day to make my Dad proud. i try to be strong in mind, and strong in body. but not every day goes that way, and that is OK.

i did acknowledge those fathers around me... the hubs, my father-in-law, some close friends. that was really difficult to me, to get the words out... happy fathers day. 

i know next year will be different. maybe by then i'll be able to sit down and write that letter i had intended to write. something to look forward to, perhaps.

mysterious way...

not long after my dad passed away, i found comfort in listening to K-Love Contemporary Christian Music Radio. one morning, while driving into work, i was listening to a man by the name of Todd talk about the miracle of his son Colton not only surviving a car accident where he was internally decapitated, but the even more perplexing aftermath of event where Colton began to explain in some detail of the events of the accident (even though he was not conscious). Colton was giving his parents this description, from above, where he was with God.
being that i had recently lost my dad, i was in tears over this story and had to go in search of the book that Todd wrote about this story. of course, by the time i got to work i couldn't remember the details, i did a little looking around, but to no avail. still, that story has stuck with me. this little boy was able to experience what is next for us, what is waiting for us, and (in short) where my dad is.

fast forward to yesterday afternoon.

my sweet friend Jamie had sent me some mail (some happy mail, of you will). of course, when i see ANYTHING addressed to me that ISN'T a bill, i get excited. when i opened the envelope... it was the book.

Heaven Is For Real : A Little Boy's Astounding Story Of His Trip To Heaven And Back

The card enclosed, I could barely even get through, I was so overcome with emotion. I'm 99% sure I didn't mention this story to anyone online and there is absolutely no way that she would have known about how listening to Todd that morning on the radio affected me, and affected my heart. I was amazed! I still am amazed! God works in mysterious ways.

*Dedicated To Jamie from Inspired Mess... you are so much more than a friend to me, and I love you deeply. Thank you for everything!!

Dear Daddy... six months

Dear Daddy,

Six months. I don't know how I've made it this far. It feels like you've been gone forever. And yet, I remember just like it was yesterday, the day you went home.

I have been through so much since you've been gone. We all have. I've grown tall, and I've fallen down. I've had good days, I've had bad days, I've had days that I don't even remember. 

I know the things you would want me to do, the things I can hear you whisper to me in the wind, the things you share with me in my dreams. I am trying so hard to do what I know you would want me to do. The last words you ever wrote to me were "I am so proud of you". I try every day to make those words truer and truer, now that you are gone.

I've been through the pain (which never really goes away), I've been through the anger, I still cry. I'm trying to grasp the reality that you aren't here with us. It's frustrating not to pick up the phone and call you, for advice or just to hear you say 'Hi There'.

I miss watching Nascar together. I miss walking in and seeing you in your chair. I miss your stories. I miss your smell. I miss your voice, I miss your face. 

Most of all, I miss your hugs.

Today is double difficult. You've been gone six months, and today is your 31st Wedding Anniversary. I'll still celebrate, because without your love, I would cease to exist.

I love you Daddy. With all my heart.

'Til We Meet Again... Love Always, your Sunshine

two months

I can hardly believe it's been two months today. I play that morning over and over in my head daily. I cry. I get angry (like really angry). I become so numb that my brain buzzes continuously. My body radiates with physical pain because I miss him SO Much! It's insane.

On the plus side, the 'harder days' aren't every day. I've been able to smile, and laugh. Having friends and family around helps.

I have plans to join some grief counseling soon. I think it will help.

I really don't know what else to say. I knew today would come, just like I know like the three month mark will come, and the holidays will come. I have no idea how we will get through the holidays. It feels like I've forgotten how to 'celebrate'. What a terrible feeling. But I know that Daddy would be saying to 'do-it-up' for the kids. The holidays are all about the kids. That will be my focus.

Today I'm just trying to take it easy. Stay to myself.

I am grateful to have a chiropractic visit today.

I am grateful to have my kids to myself today (instead of having my sisters kids as well).

I am grateful that I have so many people who love me, and who are praying for me and my family.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I hope to be stronger. To be happier. To be livelier. 

one month. today.

Christmas 2007 038, originally uploaded by azscrappinjen.

Dear Daddy,

I can't believe that it has already been an entire month that you've been gone. It feels like forever, and at the same time it feels like the blink of an eye.

Every day I miss you more and more. I feel like the pain will never go away. The pain of missing you so deeply.

I'm doing my very best, trying to take care of Mom and Lisa, they way you would want me to (be a big sister). I don't know if I'm doing things right or not. I hope so.

I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you. Hear your voice. I wish I could have one more bear hug.

I miss you Daddy. I really REALLY miss you!! But I am so incredibly thankful that I even got you at all. You are the best Daddy in the whole entire world.

Can't wait to see you again.

Love Always,
Your Sunshine

its monday and im okay

something Big has come...

and gone.

It was my Daddy.

So many things have occurred in the past month that my head hasn't stopped spinning. 

I turned 30. I finally became an adult (in my head. lol) and it seems just in time because less than one month later my Daddy passed away. Suddenly, and in his sleep. Unexpectedly, only because he has been doing so well recently.

What am I feeling now... Hmm. I don't feel angry, because I was lucky enough to have him in my life for 30 years! Like my mom keeps saying, we got the very best of him. I feel sadness, almost all the time because I miss him so much. I miss his voice, his hugs, the way he called me JJ. I feel proud of the amazing life he led, and all of his accomplishments, both serving in the air force and sherriffs department, but also of the man of Christ that he became. Believe me, it is my faith, and my assurance that I will one day be reunited with him that has helped me get through alot of this. I feel concerned for my mother, who lost her very best friend. I feel a responsibility to my Daddy to take care of my mother, and my sister (and when I get around to it, myself). I feel heartbreak watching my mother go through this unbearable pain and I feel helpless not to help ease it or take it away. I still talk to my dad, at his house, in my head, as if he is sitting right next to me. I haven't felt the pain in my heart yet, the pain of loss. I am probably guarding myself, I am probably keeping busy making sure Mom and Lisa are okay. I'm letting my own life and the people and things in them distract me from going through the pain of loss. But I know I will, one day. Right now I am still... numb.

I've cried. I've bawled. But I'm quick to pull up my bootstraps because there is business to take care of. Paperwork to do, people to care for. 

I want you to know that I am okay. Right now, I am okay. I had the most amazing Dad that anyone could ask for. I am so incredibly grateful to God for giving him to me. He was mine! So grateful that I can feel it all throughout my heart. Prayers are always appreciated! I believe in the power of prayer more now than ever before. I know that I am a changed woman. I don't know exactly how, just yet. That's going to take a while. But all I can say right now, is that I am going to do the very best I can, every day. One day life will get easier, I won't have to remind myself to do certain things (like brush my teeth, lol). And I apologize in advance if I repeat myself here, or post or talk about my dad. Just bear with me, I am sure it's all part of the process.

Thank you everyone who have shared your love and support with me. The emails, the text messages, the comments here and on fb... I don't feel alone. Thank You!

To Terry, Love Rosalie

My parents had the greatest love story that I was lucky enough to experience personally in my life. This slideshow is my moms farewell to my daddy. 

Memorial Services

Memorial Service for

Ret. Lt. William Terry Carlton

will be held on

Wednesday, September 22, 2010 at 11am

Rose Hills Mortuary

in Whittier, CA

Family and Friends gathering to follow at

The Coen Home

in Upland, CA

Please Call 623-986-9060 for additional information



September 15, 2010. The day my life has changed. Forever.

Daddy went home to be with the Lord this morning.

September 15, 2010 6:13am

I'll post my feeling later. Please allow me my time to take care of arrangements and grieve. Your prayers for me and my family are greatly appreciated.

Daddy... You are my Sunshine. My only Sunshine.