Wee Bit Wednesdays

{one} what time do you normally wake up?lately, 7am, but it should be 6-630am
{two} do you have a go-to song for karaoke?WannaBe by SpiceGirls
{three} if you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would you choose to see?Pink
{four} what color best matches your personality?Ditto.
{five} if you could choose one meal to cook better than anyone else, what would it be?white chili
{six} how many keys do you have on your key ring?Home, LJ, Engbarth Home, Sig Home, Mama, Sista, In-Laws... guess that makes 7
{seven} do you give your pets birthday/christmas gifts?Absolutely! He's part of the family too! His birthday was Halloween and his homecoming from Santa was Christmas.
{eight} when your plate has different foods on it, do you mix or not?No way no how. My food can't hardly be touching unless it is absolutely necessary, and still I only eat one course at a time.
{nine} if you could hire someone to do one thing for you all the time, what would it be?Do my paperwork! With two jobs, and family bills, and loan applications, and Daddy's death paperwork,  need someone to help me with the paper and the stress that goes along with it.
{ten} when flying, do you prefer the window or aisle seat?Aisle. Scared to fly and first to get served cocktails. lol
Link up at Leigh Ashley's!

oh the places we'll go : Alaska

Sunday night I watched Sarah Palin's Alaska

Although I am not really an 'outdoorsy' girl... I absolutely fell in love with the breathtaking beauty of Alaska! However, it's a place I would only be able to visit, due to the fact that you pretty much have to take one of those water planes everywhere. No thanks! lol

two months

I can hardly believe it's been two months today. I play that morning over and over in my head daily. I cry. I get angry (like really angry). I become so numb that my brain buzzes continuously. My body radiates with physical pain because I miss him SO Much! It's insane.

On the plus side, the 'harder days' aren't every day. I've been able to smile, and laugh. Having friends and family around helps.

I have plans to join some grief counseling soon. I think it will help.

I really don't know what else to say. I knew today would come, just like I know like the three month mark will come, and the holidays will come. I have no idea how we will get through the holidays. It feels like I've forgotten how to 'celebrate'. What a terrible feeling. But I know that Daddy would be saying to 'do-it-up' for the kids. The holidays are all about the kids. That will be my focus.

Today I'm just trying to take it easy. Stay to myself.

I am grateful to have a chiropractic visit today.

I am grateful to have my kids to myself today (instead of having my sisters kids as well).

I am grateful that I have so many people who love me, and who are praying for me and my family.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I hope to be stronger. To be happier. To be livelier. 

its friday and i actually feel good

4 Colour Sun Wheel, originally uploaded by escher....

in all honesty, i feel like i can breathe, like i can smile and really mean it.
man, its been a rough week.

but today is FRIDAY! today....
- my sister comes home from three weeks of management training in CA, and takes back her kids (whom i love deeply and dearly, but am ready for them to have their mom be their mom and not their aunt be their mom)
- is the last day i will be working in the office by myself (this is week FIVE people, doing double jobs, and being alone while grieving is not exactly a perfect match)
- i have family in town, and that always feels good
- i bought 50 episodes of Wheel of Fortune on Facebook (yes, I know I am a dork, but it mellows me out, okay! lol)
- i decided that i am going to do something 'charity-like' with my kids (more on that to come)
- i hope to get my craftiness on when i get home

i have to give my mom a HUGE shout-out! she is amazing, and has had my sisters kids since wednesday night, and (although i worry about her) it has made such a difference in my household. i love you mommy!!

okay, well i hope you have a super fabulous weekend. perhaps i'll blog, perhaps i wont. lets just see shall we (this, coming from the so-called planner). lol.

enjoy life!
xoxo

have i scared you away yet? lol

First, allow me to apologize for my absence to anyone who actually reads this blog (and cares). As you know, my Daddy passed away almost two months ago, and, well, that's my excuse for not blogging.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, I really don't. I especially don't want to write negative-ness here on my blog for y'all to see. Which (again) explains my absence.

With that said, I miss blogging. I miss writing.

But I miss my Dad more than anything in this world. Truth be told, I am not doing good. When people ask, I tell them "I'm on two feet", because there was a time that I wasn't. There have been days I can barely get to my feet. I never expected sadness like this, so deep and so incredibly painful. -- I used to see crying as a sign of weakness within myself. Now theres not a day that goes by that I don't cry (and sometimes sob uncontrollably).

I know that deep down I am a strong person, and I can't even begin to tell you how tested I am being in my life right now. It is as if the devil himself is casting lighting from every direction, trying to break me. Never in my life have I been on my knees in prayer as often as I am now. Financial crisis, the loss of friendships, the stress of five kids, the constant reminder of the lonely holidays approaching, trying to be supportive for my family, work stresses, health issues... you name it, I've got it. I am in a constant battle of balancing everything around me, everything I am responsible for, and everything inside of me (bouncing off my inner walls).

I am doing my best. My very best. Because that is all I can do... But it is exhausting.

I know that A) With God All Things are Possible and B) in the end, everything will be okay. We will all be allright. I know this, in my heart.


Today was the first day that I've been home with just me and my two kids. The hubs is off hunting for deer this weekend. I've been doing everything I love to do (excluding laundry) when I'm home, trying to cheer myself up. I made chocolate chip pancakes with a side of fresh fruit for all the kids, I baked hot pink cupcakes (still need to ice them with the cream cheese / hot fudge icing I made), I've been playing around with my DSLR camera (that I finally got back from the repair shop), and I've been scrapbooking (yes, really) a mini book from my blog trip to Springfield, I've been listening to K-Love Christian music all day (usually puts me in a great mood).

It's been a good day. A stress-less day, trying my best to find normal again. I think normal has become something different for me, and I'm not exactly sure what it is yet. I think its going to be a while before normal happens for me.

Okay, I think I've written a blog-novel (I'm scared to scroll up) and I apologize for any depress-ness (yes I make up my own words here) I may have caused, and I also apologize for not having any photos. Not really like me, and actually I have some, but they're being a pain to upload and my patience level for computer problems is at near zero today.

I want you to know that I appreciate every single person who (making it this far, lol) reads my blog, and I especially appreciate kind comments left for me. I realize that I am not the only person in the world who has lost a parent. I realize that people are having bigger issues out there. I just. I am grateful, to be able to write, and share my little world with those who are interested. Thank you for being out there.

xoxo Jen